CBC's Battle of the Blades...WTF???

Hey CBC Hockey Fans,

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I just watched the new CBC "Battle of the Blades" show last night (www.cbc.ca/battle). As a beer league goalie, I'll admit I'm often interested in hearing what some of the retired NHL guys are up to...do they play beer league? Did they get real world jobs? Retire on an island somewhere? Well...for a few of them last night, I found out...

In all honesty, if CBC hadn't done such a good job of going out and finding Canada's cutest female figure skaters to put on this show, it would have died on the vine before the rink was half frozen. I mean, come on..."The Cutting Edge" was released back in 1992 and here we are SEVENTEEN YEARS later and this is the best the creative 'gurus' at CBC can come up with? Boy...give those guys an "A+" for originality...If it weren't for Moira Kelly's cute smile, figure and short skirts, that movie would have bombed hard as well. And poor Deebey Sweeny - how many times would you have put up with Moira shouting "toe pick" at you before showing her into the boards?

I'll admit - figure skating is hard, and my own skills are NOWHERE near this caliber. Yet after watching this show though, it's obviously way too hard to learn enough in a few short weeks to make anything remotely worth interesting on this show...which is why CBC went with the 'cute pack' of female skaters. Good Lord Claude Lemiux...was your attempt to get back into the NHL last season nothing but a training camp to apply for a spot on this show??? Yes...everyone will put some cash in the bank, CBC will sell some ads to support the show and Ron McClean gets a little more face time. But without Don Cherry doing the commentating, I just don't think this show cuts it. (Sorry Hrudey...you're okay, but I'd rather hear Don tell these people what the hell they should have been doing out there!)

Hockey Jokes - Some Good, Some Bad

Hey Beer League Fans!

Barely launched at http://www.farparker.com/, and I'm already receiving jokes emailed to me from friends, family and crazed super hot goalie groupie chicks (okay...there just ain't many of those out there, but us goalies can always hold out hope).

I'll keep adding to this as I go, until such time as we create a forum posting for the best of the best hockey jokes out there! Enjoy...

A True Canadian Hockey Fan. It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there... "No," says the neighbour, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?" The neighbour says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or a relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Subject: Canadian priorities. Dear Abby, I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. She has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names, she always says, "just some friends from work, you don't know them." I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with her, I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my hockey equipment so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at THAT moment, crouching behind my hockey gear, that I noticed a hairline crack where the blade meets the graphite shaft on my new one piece hockey stick. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it? Please Advise, Pete

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we' d both still be alive

My Take on Andrew Raycroft Backing up Luongo

Hey Beer League Hockey Fans...

So a while ago, we had the pleasure of our interviewer-extraordinaire, Aubrey Parker, chat things up with Andrew Raycroft for our FarParker.com site...back when he was a stinkin', no good, Maple Leaf (thanks though Andrew - the interview was awesome!!). Now, Andrew has joined the NHL elite with a backup position to Bobby Lou.

As expected in this town of goalie gravediggers, Vancouver hype is huge for Raycroft - "the poor buggar has to backup the league's top goalie and will never see any action!" Well...BOO F'ING HOO. Thanks to our ever-accurate media for stirring up yet another pot to build frenzy. As a pretty crappy goalie who'll never see any real NHL action, I felt compelled to state my layman's view on this topic...cuz you know...us beer league guys know EVERYTHING about playing in the big time. Anyway:

Point #1 - Money. Now don't get me wrong, but if someone came and offered me half a MIL to sit and keep the pine warm for Lou's arse all year and basically not risk my body to potential injury, would I turn that down? Yeah...probably not.

Point #2 - Ice Time. Think Andrew doesn't get to see any action? Sweet bajesus, he's practicing daily with one of the league's top teams, opposite Bobby Lou. No offense to the guys in the other nets during my games, but hell...if I had Roberto down the ice, you can bet the farm I'd be pretty stocked.

Point #3 - Fan Experience. Okay...so you have to let fans admire your cool back-of-head haircut and how neat your name looks on the back of your jersey, but let's not forget you do get to show off in the pre-game warmup, or have crazed fans check you out at 8-Rinks during practice. And you still get a hockey card made of you...

Point #4 - Coolness. I don't care what any media dork says...playing in the NHL is cool, and you beat out tens of thousands of other wannabes like me who never made it. 60 guys get the privalege to state they're in the big show, and nothing can take that away. Plus, I like Raycroft's style.

Point #5 - Last One, I Promise. For those of you who've had the privalege like I have, playing at GM Place (and The Coliseum for that matter), is just awesome. And let me tell you...it's awesome with nobody in the stands. The ice is the best you'll ever get your ass slamed onto, you could run your tongue around every inch of the boards and not get also much as a blister, and looking up at all the seats, billboard ads and the juicy jumbotron just make being there an experience worth remembering. Some of the photos in my gallery are from those rinks, but I DON'T BE PAID NOTHIN to play there...

Am I jealous of Raycroft? You're damned right I am...