Dirty Talk - the two greatest tips on how to start

Well...

Being a beer league goalie I've heard my fair share of dirty talk all over the ice, the changeroom, the parking lot, the pub...damn, it's part of every game. However, when it comes to bringing a little 'dirty talk' into the bedroom with your partner, well...that's another matter. If you've ever considered or WANTED to try this out, check our new article provided by Duncan Roberts for EVE of ClubEden - you might just learn a few new moves! Enjoy...PuckGobbler.

Dirty Talk - the two greatest tips on how to start

Here's a tricky question for you:

You think or believe that you could spice up your love life if you introduce talking dirty into the bedroom.

But the one thing you are not sure about is what sort of reaction your boyfriend / girlfriend / lover is going to give when you suddenly start whispering sweet suggestive nothings into their ear.

Will they suddenly stiffen in anticipation, body quivering with unleashed desire? Maybe they'll lie back, eyes closed and a hint of a smile playing on their lips? Or will they turn red then maroon, look at you as though you have just confessed to killing and boiling Peter Rabbit and stalk off, never to be seen again?

Until you try - you just can't really tell for sure.

But you can do a couple of things to introduce them to the idea without offending in any great way. 'Softly, softly, catchee monkey' as the old saying goes.

So instead of launching yourself at them, obscenities flowing at a rate of knots, try one of these approaches instead.

When together relaxing, watching TV or reading, try reading them a saucy excerpt from something. Gauge their reaction and see how it affects them. If they sit up, straighten up or look around with interest - carry on. But if they seem indifferent or disgusted, stop with no further comment needed.

Now about this point in the advice you'll be thinking, "How the heck can I read them something saucy as an excerpt from the book I'm reading, it's all about flange differentials in a grommet engine block?" Fear not and don't panic.

Casually, swap your reading material for a magazine - either a man's magazine like GQ or Maxim (NOT Mayfair or Penthouse!!) and if a woman, for Cosmo or Elle or something. Secreted inside is a page on which you have written/copied/printed a saucy excerpt from a raunchy novel. This way it appears that you are reading from the magazine and are innocent of any intent! You're just reading them something from your magazine.

This works incredibly well, trust me. If your partner does not like dirty talk then they will not think less of you for the reading. You've got your answer and no harm done. If they DO like it - great, get stuck in!

Another trick to try is to send them a dirty text. This works well for two reasons - number one, they read the text and then have time to think it over and mull it around in their heads. They may well find that their initial reaction of shock and horror changes to one of interest and mild arousal. It also means that if they don't like it and are shocked, you can claim a moment of insanity and weirdness, never to be repeated. Being separated from each other at the point of delivery saves anyone getting a visual confirmation of your intent. If they can't see your eyes when they read it, they can't say for sure it's not just a moment of weird behavior.

You will have a hunch deep down as to whether your partner is up for hearing dirty talk. Think back to their reaction when nudity was shown in films or on TV. If they seem offended by that, steer well clear of talking dirty. But if they perk up and enjoy nudity - a form of expression - then 9/10 will move onto enjoying dirty talk fairly easily.

For more great articles on sexual and general health, and ways to improve your game on AND off the ice, visit www.FarParker.com!

The 2011 FarParker Girls Charity Calendar is Now Available!

Welcome to some of the hottest off-ice hockey memorabilia for 2011!

FarParker.com, in association with our Great Sponsors are proud to offer the 2011 FarParker Girls Charity Calendar. Our team came together to produce this high-quality calendar to help raise funds for our friends at Hockey Fights Cancer, so please provide your support and help us help their team battle this fricken disease!

To order your copy today, please visit us at FarParker's Calendar Page.

Thanks again to everyone who helped create this calendar, from our sponsors to models to staff to friends...and to all our readers, have a very Merry Christmas!

The Grind

Tagline: What is the true measure of a man? Is it size? Or strength? Is it a commodity, something bought, like a big flashy truck? Not a chance. A real man is dedicated to bettering himself and his family, devoted to improving those around him and in his community. In Vancouver, it took two “sisters” to show everyone what a man truly is.

The Grouse Grind is a well-known – particularly tortuous – outdoor activity that Vancouverites regularly indulge in. It’s a 2.9 km hike up the side of a local ski hill whose banks can be seen from the downtown core. Unwittingly, many tourists and local residents show up to tackle the Grind, only to find themselves sucking air by the time they reach its quarter pole -- well before the real grind has ever even begun. A regular summer sight in these parts is a clog of panting, ill-prepared Grind neophytes wheezing on the trailside, trying to catch their breath and contemplating whether or not to turn around and descend in puffing shame; sometimes they even have their high heels or flip flops dangling from their hands, a glaring badge of ignorance. What these hikers painfully learn is that the Grind is not a simple walk in the park -- it’s a grueling one. The hike can be so demanding that your mind and body will soon rebel against taking another step up the seemingly unrelenting ascent; so exhausting your lungs will feel like they’ve folded up and that your legs were secretly injected with cement. The Grind isn’t just a hike; it’s an obstacle course, a challenge, a litmus test.

There are parallels between Vancouver’s most famous hike and its favourite set of twins. At many times during their careers the Sedins have been confronted with seemingly endless obstacles – rock walls so sheer they seemed impassable. But they have always been obdurate in the face of adversity. They simply put their heads down and keep going, ignoring the pain, the taunts, and the easy way out. Case in point, after being drafted two and three in 1999, the Sedins entered the league in 2000 with high expectations; the year prior Brian Burke’s marquee picks had earned the Guldpucken award for the Swedish player of the year, an honour also won by such luminaries as Peter Forsberg, Hakan Loob and Mats Naslund. But soon after joining the Canucks it seemed the Sedins were subjected to an unrelenting barrage of ridicule. They weren’t the team’s saviours; they were gawky, skinny, awkward looking 20 year olds. Soon they were tabbed as the “sisters”, hounded by Coach Marc Crawford and continually pummelled by seasoned NHL defenders.

Please visit FarParker.com to read the rest of this article, provided by our friends at PuckLife Magazine!

Markus Naslund Moments...

By Lisa Ovens, owner of Hockey And High Heels

This week the Vancouver Canucks will be retiring sweater number 19 and celebrating the hockey career of long time Canuck, Markus Naslund during a very special pre-game ceremony at Rogers Arena on Saturday Dec.11,2010. This week, I will offer up some of my personal Nazzy moments I’ve collected over the years, as I celebrate one of the Canucks most talented players and one of my all time favorites.

I've decided to begin with an excerpt from my first book, Hockey & High Heels. It's from the 2002/03 season, a time of pure excitement for hockey in Vancouver. A time when the legendary sell outs began. A time when the city was fascinated by a trio of "brothers from other mothers" who lit the lamp, over and over again. The following is a page from my game diary that was published in the book... I was so impressed with a goal that Markus Naslund scored (but mostly I was impressed with the way he scored it) that I wrote about it as an example of the importance of playing with patience. It became a highlight reel goal, and I was so pleased so see it happen right in front of me.

Author's note: My mom, Stella is in this excerpt, and I should offer a little of her back story so everyone who didn't read the book will understand: my mom was the youngest of 18 children and she was a child of the Depression - it'll all make sense as you read on...

Patience

Game Diary January 26, 2003
Phoenix Coyotes vs. Vancouver Canucks

I was thrilled to host my mom for tonight’s game. Although we went to countless football games starring my brothers, this was the first time we were going to a live professional hockey game together. This was special. Plus, I bought the single seat beside us for Stacey as a birthday present. Also, today was January 26th, Phoenix Coyotes’ managing partner, Wayne Gretzky’s, birthday. Hope your birthday was a great one, Wayne! But, would the Canucks spoil the Great One’s day, by defeating his Coyotes?

Mom, Stacey, and I dined in the Brew House Grill, high above the ice, before the game. This gave us an opportunity to catch some of the Super Bowl on TV. As I watched the football game, I couldn’t help but think of the NHL’s Stanley Cup Playoffs just around the corner. The Canucks hope to prove themselves as a Playoff contending team, an elite team, and a team to be taken seriously. Could this be their year?

Game on…

Only one puck made it past either goaltender tonight. The sold out, Canucks crazy crowd had been quite anxious for a goal. Thanks to the statisticians, the people whose job requires them to record EVERY possible streak or slump any given team could find themselves in, the Canucks have been held in a ‘not scoring the first goal’ slump for the last 11 games.

Finally, this ‘not scoring the first goal’ slump came to an end, and this goal happened to be one of my favorite goals this season. It all happened where important work is done during a hockey game. Bertuzzi had passed the puck to Naslund, positioned in "the Office" behind the Coyotes’ net. Naslund stood there for a moment. Would he go to the left, or to the right? Oh, he’s going left, no right, NO, left, again. The Coyotes were doing their job defensively as Markus faked his moves, back and forth.

I turned to my mom on my left, and said…

Lisa: Mom, what do you think Markus will do?
Mom: He doesn’t have room to do anything right now.

I took a sip of my beer, turned to my right, and asked Stacey…

Lisa: What do you think Markus will do with that puck?

Markus is still there, faking left, then faking right.

Stacey: Hmmm, I’m not sure. He could try a pass and possibly assist on a goal, but Nazzy doesn’t have an open lane to make such a pass. Jimbo Jumbo Peanut, Lis?

Lisa: Thanks, Stace.

I ate my peanut and looked at Markus. He was still behind the net. He’s going right. NO, left again. I looked at my mom again. She’s sitting on the edge of her seat. But she’s a patient woman. She once told me that when she was a child, they only had one toy to play with, and she literally had to wait days for her turn to play with it. Mom was the wife to my impatient father. A mother to us children whose catch phrases included, ‘Are we there, yet. But, I want it now. I can’t wait…’ My mom is the most patient person I know. But Markus Naslund was quickly becoming a close second.

Oh, he’s going right, again.

The Coyotes’ goaltender must be growing tired of shaking his head from side to side. Markus Naslund made everybody wait. More importantly, he made himself wait. Finally, the time became right. He snuck around the right side of the net, and with a flick of his wrist, roofed the puck right into the corner. Yes!

These days, I don’t know which is faster: Hockey, or Life itself. But, I do know patience is a virtue, a skill required, yet often forgotten, in both arenas.

Great goal, Nazzy, and totally worth the wait.

If you enjoyed this excerpt, you just might enjoy the rest of the book! Visit the Shop at h&hh.com to get a copy at a very special price, or check out Lisa’s new book, For the Love of Empty Net Goals – My Adventures Living Hockey

Happy Hockey!

photo credits:

Naslund: Lisa Ovens

Hockey puck: Andrew Lavigne

Expert Goalie Training 101...Tales from a Beer League Hack

Greetings Goalie fans, and welcome to a random rambling by FarParker’s PuckGobbler. (Take that name as you will - I have buddies whose comments on that nickname would leave you in hysterics, but for the curious I eat a lot of rubber.)

Today’s musings will focus on training for the non-trained goalie. Quick bit of history here…I’ve always loved hockey – ever since watching Peter Puck skate circles around those big, fat bastards with the no-curve sticks, and the goalies always fascinated me. Who in their right mind would argue how sinister Mike Liut’s “skull-style” mask looked when he played for St. Louis? (Insert link to attached photo) Regrettably though, I never played organized hockey growing up. Unless you consider my stellar performance on the streets or lacrosse boxes of my neighbourhoods as “experience,” my hockey ‘career’ didn’t take off until my 25^th year on Earth.

After repeated Monday nights of sweat-infested contact-cosom hockey with my buddies in a local school gym (it was kinda cool – big stereo system blasting out the best of Alice Cooper while we worked off the beer we just finished pounding…), one of my buddies asked me to play in the pipes on a real ice surface. (He obviously thought my floor hockey skills were easily transferable…) Okay, he really needed a goalie, and it was just saving pucks lobbed at me by a bunch of university friends, so I figured ‘what the hell?’

So, as with most starter-outers, I threw on my ball-hockey gear, tossed on some arena rental skates and hit the frozen pond for my first adventure into ‘real’ hockey. Took me all of two minutes to realize my skates didn’t have rubber grip like my steel-toed ball hockey boots. (Thanks Sean!!)

Training Tip #1 for Goalies: you actually DO need to know how to skate! Holy schnitzel, the rink’s rental skates were hopeless, and I took not one, not two, but THREE shots to the left toe. (This is now an asset in the summer, wearing thongs, when women comment on my huge toe, but we’ll that well-enough alone until a later date…)

Thing is though…I LOVED “REAL” HOCKEY! I couldn’t get enough of the way I could slide across the crease, instead of the stuck in peanut-butter maneuvers I used to try on the gym floor. The feel of cold ice was also such sweet heaven compared to the sweat-lodge sessions I was used to (can you believe I was actually PENALIZED one time for sweating too much during a roller-hockey league game…in AUGUST?!?). And as my quality of gear improved, I couldn’t help but feel just a bit closer to guys like Mike Liut (see image below). The new sport calling had come, and boy I was hooked. Until I took a buddy’s slap shot off the unpadded inside of my arm…

Training Tip #2: My Sharmin-filled chest protector wasn’t giving me quite the protection against a real puck that I had sufficed with saving whiffle balls and orange cosom pucks. Thus, proper padding is relatively important (it helps save your life, after all…)

Not having a clue how to really play the position in an actual arena, with an actual crease and real sized net, I learned the best way I could – I watched even more Hockey Night In Canada. You’d think I was a professor on gyno row the way I studied the positioning, moves & antics of the pros up close on my huge 27” TV (my, how far we’ve come in just a few years!), and after just one year, I grabbed a netminder position opening on a buddy’s Division 3 team at Burnaby 8-Rinks Arena (http://www.icesports.com/Burnaby_HomePage.ashx) After just one game, I realized Training Tip #2 meant ENTIRE body protection was important. This is right about when I realized my new passion would give me something I had never considered – the need to get a really good job.

Training Tip #3: Be “selective” when mentioning to potential employers you are a hockey goalie. Aside from the stigma that we’re all ax-wielding emotional psychotics, many bosses figure a hockey goalie is a walking liability against injury & sick days. When you meet a boss-type that doesn’t realize that, GRAB THE GIG.

Over the years, I began to notice that I was actually improving. Saves were more than goals-against suddenly, and I was learning skills like…skating (or, so I thought), pad-stacks and getting a good hook of some buggar’s crotch when he wouldn’t get out of my way. I started reading some goaltender training books and magazines (Maxim has always been my favourite) and continued to join more teams and leagues as my confidence soared!

Then…I came across a fellow by the name of Paul Fricker, who runs The Goalie Store (www.goaliestore.com) After a bit of chatting and reviewing the info from his site, I asked if he wouldn’t mind setting up a quick-and-dirty coaching session for myself and six other buddies who were in the exact same boat as mine. Paul agreed, provided I could find some ice time (now…that’s a whole other topic we’ll hit on later!!), and after weeks of searching for availability and coordinating with my goalie crew, we were set.

I can still remember the excitement we all shared in the cramped change room of Excellent Ice (www.excellentice.com) as we prepared for our first-ever training session by a former NHL goalie. When asked what we wanted to focus the 2 hours on, we blurted out at random things like “2-on-1’s, breakaways, pass-outs, positioning, stick handling, water bottle juggling…” Then we hit the ice.

Paul took a different approach than what we expected. He asked us all to calmly skate to center ice and back. What he saw must have made his lunch condense. I’ll tell you though, after just 30 minutes of intense (albeit quite simple) drills, we started understanding the fundamentals of skating and felt a new sense of accomplishment. We then learned how to position effectively, side-skate, power skate, track & reposition for rebounds, quell pass-out dangers and execute an almost-half decent butterfly save (I say 'almost half-decent' as from the photo below...I seemed to have this annoying "lazy susan" way of getting down fast. Now, my teammates throw quarters in front of the net, and boy I drop quick lately!)

This was the first paid training session I (and my other goalie buds) had ever attended, and will state without a doubt it was the best money I’ve spent on my game. Apart from my Eagle crotch-cup, cuz boy has THAT come in handy on a few occasions!! Paul was great – he expressed patience, kept control, but above all had us leaving the ice with an incredible amount of newfound competence and bravado that I doubt will ever be forgotten. Our goals were small, and primarily focused around being able to make just two or three extra saves per game, but when you’re used to seeing more rubber fly past you than at a frat party, this was a huge gain.

Training Tip #4: Always bring condoms to frat (and sorority) parties. I really have no idea why I just said that…but it must have had merit back in my UBC days…

Would I recommend paid-training to anyone considering this? Absolutely. And to all the guys on teams I’ve played for in the past, I can only apologise for not having done this sooner. Well…maybe a few of you defense guys could have bucked up for some training too…or a lot of training. Well, it’s actually always the D’s fault when a goal goes in…so maybe I don’t really need to apologise. Right goalies??? ;)

If anyone else has had experience with training programs, we’d love to hear about it – good programs…bad ones…great coaches or rink facilities? Please feel free to share your comments here in our forum, and enjoy your games!!

Disclaimer: FarParker does not necessarily share the opinions & statements expressed by a goalie. People seldom to listen to goalies anyway, unless you’re Luongo, so if you read this, the goalie who wrote it thanks you…

FarParker Gets a Great Review of the New HOKA Running Shoe!

Written by Graham Archer, B.Sc (Kin), C.Ped(C), President of the Pedorthic Association of Canada, 2010/2011

Hoka One One is a company that started in France by a couple of runners looking to create a shoe that allow for a feeling of freedom when running without sacrificing speed and running.

Their “Mafate” model is the first shoe made available in the Hoka One One line, and at the very least it has caught attention with its bright colours and balloon-looking midsole. In case you’re wondering, “Hoka” can loosely be translated to ‘Time to Fly’ in Maori and “One One” translated to Earth.

There are some key things to note about the midsole of the Mafate. Firstly, it uses very thick and soft EVA foam. The thickness of the midsole layer has allowed Hoka to use a soft material to keep weight to a minimum. Secondly, it is a rockered (curved) shoe, from the heel to the forefoot (front of the shoe). This rocker profile allows the foot to naturally transition from the heel to the forefoot during your stride, reducing stress and strain on the joints and soft tissues of the foot and ankle. The added benefit to the aggressive rocker is that it also increases the contact area of the shoe to the ground when running up and down hills.

My impressions of the Hoka One One Mafate are very positive. The shoes required virtually no break-in time, although the first run with them did feel different compared to running in a traditional trail running shoe. My legs felt a little heavier (due to a change in running motion, not because of the weight of the shoes) and it took about 20 minutes to get used to the increased cushioning in the shoes.

The biggest thing I noticed right away was how fast I could run downhill. Since I am an avid mountain bike rider, my first initial reaction to running downhill was similar to riding a suspension bike downhill versus a hardtail The thick cushioned sole absorbed all the rocks and roots in the train without any impact into my foot and it compressed to have more of the shoe in contact with the ground at all times. The extra contact and width at the outsole gave me a real feeling of stability, adding to my confidence level.

If there is one complaint about the shoes, it has got to be related to the funky colours and chunky look of the extra cushioned midsole. I have gotten used to the loud colours, but the more subdued colours that will be coming down the pipeline in the Spring of 2011 are more attractive to me.

At almost $170 it is not the most expensive trail shoe on the market but it is higher up on the price range for trail runners. The good news is that because of the thick midsole, the shoe does not break down as quickly as a traditional midsole in a tradition shoe. Therefore, over the life of the shoe you will be getting back your value for money. However, it is just a bit of a hit at the start.

Overall, with the Hoka Mafates, my feet and legs feel less fatigued after a run, and I feel like I am running faster. Shortly after this shoe test with the Hokas, I went for a run in one of my old trail runners, and they felt hard and stiff after running in the Mafates. I definitely feel “spoiled” after using the Mafate for a few weeks.

Graham Archer is Vice President of Pedorthic Services at Kintec and the President of the Pedorthic Association of Canada for 2010/2011. Graham joined Kintec in 2000 with a passion for helping people stay active on their feet. Graham holds a Bachelors of Kinesiology from Simon Fraser University and is a Canadian Certified Pedorthist with the College of Pedorthics of Canada. Outside of pedorthics, Graham spends his time riding and racing mountain bikes, fishing, trail-running and hanging with his wife and two daughters.

For More Great Articles and Tips on Hockey, Health, Sex and Fitness visit our free online community today at www.FarParker.com.  Thanks!

Muffin Tops – Great in the Kitchen, Not Over Your Pants!

Written for FarParker by Sarah Vandekerkhove, owner of Feminine Form Fine Lingerie



For those of you who don’t know what a muffin top is, let me give you a quick definition. It is the bulge over your pants that look like a muffin top. This is a particular problem for those of us who have had children, but don’t be fooled - it can affect people of all ages. Unfortunately for women, muffin top usually refers to us, where men get the glorious title of “beer gut.” Also, for men, their ‘hangings over’ are sometimes firm, where ours are usually quite a bit softer. Don’t fret as this can be fixed – or at least majorly improved without months of dieting and a 24/7 workout schedule!

Why does muffin top happen? Well, on teens and very young women, it is often because their pants are too tight. If the muffin top goes 360 degrees around the body, it indicates an ill-fitting garment and generally, muffin top is focused on the sides and front. Muffin top happens for a variety of reasons. The most obvious is due to extra fat. Loose oblique and abdominal muscles are also a contributing factor. For older woman it is usually due to a combination of factors including ageing skin which is no longer as elastic, and if you have had children, then you are prone to muffin top a lot earlier in life from the loose skin factor. Even extremely fit ladies can suffer from muffin top after having kids due to the stretching of the skin.


So I guess the big question on everyone’s mind is…how do you fix muffin top?!? If you strengthen your abdominal and oblique muscles this will firm up the area and decrease your muffin top, if not eliminate it altogether. Unfortunately, this is not always an easy feat, and some of us are not made to be a size six with firm everything. Also, the loose skin factor is a major issue, even with firm muscles. So, when in need of some outside assistance – literally – you need to enlist the help of a body shaper. The most commonly known body shaper is the girdle. Modern marketing has renamed those types of products as Spanx. There are actually many types of body shapers available, made by many brands, but Sara Blakely is just the best at marketing her brand. Each brand will have its strengths and weaknesses, and you need to identify which part of your body is giving you the most grief, and how often you want to deal with it. For example, does your muffin top bother you everyday, or only in that little black dress when you want to go out? Are you a bridesmaid – or bride, and need to be pulled in just so? Once you know what you need the item for, then you can choose which product will best suit you.


So, what is available to you in the body shaper world and where do you get it? Any good lingerie store will have body shapers, as will fine dress stores. You can also find them in department stores, though the variety will be limited with less assistance from the staff. Lingerie stores will have the latest and greatest, but department stores will have less expensive products. Again, it comes down to what kind of garment you need.


For lower abdominal control, you will want a control panty. All shapewear lines will carry a product that will have a control panel in the lower abdominal area. Many department store brands will carry panties with a front control panel. These are best suited for women who wear their pants at their true waist. You can also get midwaist control 360 degrees around. Some products will be available in a panty and others with a biker short type leg. Make certain when you are trying these items on that you ensure they are giving you the control you want - you don’t want to just push your flesh out the top. If there is a panty bottom, ensure that it is not giving you a visible panty line, or worse yet, a whole new bulge. This is why there are so many boyleg styles. It will smoothly cover your bum, and help with any hip fat control.


For full abdominal control, or simply general muffin top, you will need a product that comes all the way up to your rib cage. These products can sit at the bottom of your rib cage, or end up right up beneath your bra. The high waisted control usually provides 360 degree control. Often these products also come in the biker boy style, though not exclusively. When trying on this type, double check that it does not just push up your back fat over the top. Put your clothes back on, or better yet, the special outfit you need the product for, and then examine the results. You should see a marked difference. As a side note, the boyleg types can flatten your bottom if you don’t really have a round one. Voila is one brand that will give you full abdominal control, with a buttock lift.


If the pull-on bottoms are not for you, don’t despair. You can also get tank tops that will accomplish the same things. Tank tops are great for smoothing out your bra line, your underarm and your belly. As with the bottoms, there are many different brands with different control tensions. Most tuck into your pants; however some, such as Yummie Tummie, can be worn on the outside of your pants as a layering piece.


Finally, for more full body coverage, control slips are also out there on the market. They work the same as the others; they are just in a slip style. They can be much more comfortable under a dress as it still allows you to wear stay-ups, stockings or pantyhose. Slips are easier to get on, so if you suffer from arthritis or other conditions which limit your dexterity, this may be the optimal option for you.


Thanks for reading, and check us out for more information at FeminineForm. Go Canucks!

For more great articles on health, hockey and happiness, visit us online at FarParker!